I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Randomize
