I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
Randomize
