Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
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