So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
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