Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
Randomize
