rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
