I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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