Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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