Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Randomize
