he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
your youtube search consisted of "food slideshow" and "the angry beavers"
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
