I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
