we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
Randomize
