WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
Randomize
