Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
so... how was it???
he had bart simpson sheets. he had itunes on shuffle and "don't worry be happy" started playing when he took his boxers off. sad to say i was neither worried nor happy
is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
