Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Randomize
