Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
the other night i did but this one wasnt and it was so random. i was hooking up with this boy who wanted to roleplay and pretend to be snakes
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
You've changed since you got that strap on
Randomize
