R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
I said "one day" and that day is not today
Randomize
