He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
Randomize
