This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
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