I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
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