You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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