Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
Seius question. Does a penis floar when ina baht? Must find out.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
