My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
time to smoke my breakfast
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
Randomize
