So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I'm so horny!
I'm so hungry
WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!
For your pussy...
Prereq for being on nyc prep: money, bitchy, and a lazy eye... if only you were rich
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Randomize
