You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
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