Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Randomize
