i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Randomize
