Nevermine. I'm just going to tell you on Myspace with a glitter graphic.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
Randomize
