I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
