I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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