I accidentally had phone sex last night
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
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