so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
Randomize
