i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
