I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
I understand Curling. That high.
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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