On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
I wish you could order shots online.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
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