Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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