Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
What happened to fro yo and sex?
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
