i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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