I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
