i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
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