Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
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