Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
just found my diary from when i was 14. i demand a drinking game of this.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
