Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Randomize
