Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
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