Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
You smell like stripper and shame
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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