My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
there is glitter all over my balls
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