Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
