Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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