need another drink. this is the easiest way
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
