i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Randomize
