we have pet lesbian snakes
I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
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