I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Randomize
